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Fatherhood
Talk I’ve been asked to speak on the privilege of fatherhood. There are two aspects to the notion of fatherhood. One is being a biological father and the other is performing the role of being a father. Becoming a biological father is usually pretty easy. Performing the role of a father is much more difficult – it involves displaying in words and actions the attributes associated with being a provider, a protector and a teacher. With fatherhood, they come with the masculine characteristics of greater physicality and risk-taking. The fatherhood role can be undertaken not only by biological fathers but also stepfathers, foster fathers, father-in-laws, grandfathers, brothers, teachers, mentors – any man, in fact. Interestingly, according to anthropologists, the parental role assumed by human males is a critical difference between human society and that of human’s closest biological relatives in the monkey world who appear to be unaware of their “father” connection. But back to the topic - the privilege of fatherhood. What is a privilege? A privilege is an advantage or benefit beyond those which others usually have. So when talking about the privilege of fatherhood, I think it’s clear that this relates to undertaking a fatherly role, not to the biological fact of becoming a father. Becoming a biological father brings with it a legal obligation of providing financial support. On its own, this is a disadvantage. Any advantage requires the father to have some meaningful involvement in the child’s life. Biological fathers who have little or no contact with their children aren’t going to gain anything from being a father invariably to their loss, the community’s loss and the children’s loss. It’s been known for thousands of years and confirmed in more recent times by sociological research that men performing the fatherhood role produce a number of significant benefits for themselves, for communities, but particularly for children. According to research results, active father figures have a key role in increasing children’s social stability – especially in reducing behavioural problems in boys and psychological problems in young women – and a key role in increasing children’s educational achievement and their potential to have a solid marriage as an adult. Research has indicated that children raised with fatherly input are also more curious about the world around them and develop greater problem solving skills. But what are the benefits for men performing a fatherhood role? In his book “The Gift of Fatherhood”, Aaron Haas notes out that few fathers look back when they are old and wish they had spent more time working. But many look back with regret at their lack of involvement in parenting. This is due, I believe, to a realisation that fatherhood, as well as significantly benefiting children, can and should bring a lot of personal enjoyment and enrichment to those undertaking the role. I think this occurs in several ways. One is from the personal renewing which occurs when fathers get involved in children’s lives – re-doing enjoyable childhood things which they did when they were small – games, outings, children’s songs, bed-time stories and so forth, and re-doing other activities through the children’s teenage and adult years. I have 2 daughters aged 10 and 12. At the moment, I’m joining them in looking at current pop songs on YouTube and sometimes the top 10 hits on TV – something I haven’t done for 30 years – and I’m enjoying it. There is also enjoyment and enrichment from learning about new things due to children doing different things to what you did or knew about when their age. One of the main things new to me, which my girls are doing, is dancing – at the moment highland dancing, jazz dancing and hip hop. All new and interesting to me, and it’s great to see the enjoyment dancing brings them. And then there is fatherhood’s potentially biggest source of personal happiness and enrichment - from seeing children learning from you. But with this comes the often daunting responsibility of teaching your children well – especially by your example. You’ve probably heard the saying: “the child is father of the man”. It was said by the Greek philosopher Aristotle. What a succinct way of describing the learning circle which occurs – values and habits learnt from the parent - usually by osmosis - staying with the child into adulthood and then being passed in turn to the next generation. It was also Aristotle who told us: “happiness is the reward of virtue”. This reflected the philosophy of the ancient Greeks that a virtuous life resulted in happiness. Until recently, this philosophy underpinned the last 2400 years of education and parenting in the West. It is also a philosophy which resonates perfectly with Christianity. But educational commentators say there has been change in recent years – it’s a trend I believe is obvious to us all – that unfortunately an increasing number of people see happiness as the result of success – particularly material success, not the result of a life of good values and habits. Success is to be applauded, but surely not if it has been achieved at the expense of virtue. What is needed now as always, and now if not more than ever, is the teaching of good values and good habits which are motivated by love for others. And doing this is where the greatest personal benefits can be gained from fatherhood because of the ability of the role to cause change and personal growth for the better in fathers’ lives. A father who seeks to be the best example he can, will end being a better, happier man himself. This is great personal challenge to a father, but it is where there is the greatest potential for personal growth and happiness due to the privilege of fatherhood. I’d like to finish with a couple of questions:
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