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This has resulted from the findings of research workers – whose new insights into the process of grieving – have led to the development of a series of “models of the grieving process”.

The providers of counseling have drawn on these models to inform the advice and guidance they offer to grieving people. 

The conventional understanding of what is happening in grieving has changed so much over these decades that the current goals of counseling appear to have swung through

180 degrees – from the former goal of working towards being able to ‘say an effective goodbye’ to departed loved-ones - to the more usual goal, nowadays, of helping people to find healthy ways of maintaining a ongoing sense of ‘connectedness’ with them.

So what were the steps in this progression? 

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross provides a starting point. She was a Swiss researcher – who in the 1960’s and 70’s observed that grieving people displayed a range of differing responses during their grieving experiences. She identified four recognisable patterns of behaviour, which occurred predictably for different people. These were

·        disbelief,

·        bargaining,

·        anger

·        and acceptance.

Incidentally Elisabeth Kubler Ross’ own death occurred just two months ago and she is reported to be one of the few people who really looked forward to the event with some relish – as she expressed a keen interest (having contributed to the theory) in experiencing some of the practicalities of the process for herself!

The model of grieving that was constructed from her theories – postulated that people progressed through these features of grieving in a sequential fashion with acceptance being seen as a desirable conclusion.  Dysfunctional grief was explained as a person being ‘stuck’ in one of the earlier phases. The catch phrase of someone being “stuck in denial” arises from this model of counseling. (For example: Queen Victoria’s long, drawn-out, early phase of mourning for Albert can be explained in these terms)

The next significant development in the ‘theorising about grieving’ arose when researchers observed that these postulated stages of grieving were not as neatly ordered as had been thought. In fact many grieving people were found to exhibit all the four key behaviours – denial, bargaining, anger and acceptance – sometimes all in the space of one day! So the search went on for a better model of grieving.

A model proposing a series of significant tasks of grieving (to be addressed and achieved by the bereaved person) was the next to evolve. These tasks were listed as

·        First - accepting the reality of the loss

·        Second - working through the pain of grief

·        Third - adjusting to the environment from which the deceased is missing

·        And fourth - emotionally relocating the deceased - and moving on with life.

This model had much to recommend it – it provided a helpful framework for counseling in which the bereaved person could be guided through ‘a sequence of defined tasks’.

A comparison with wound healing was viewed as an appealing parallel for this model. In wound healing a sequential set of conditions needs to be met to allow for optimum outcome. A scar will always result – but the better the conditions provided in which healing can occur – then, the healthier and stronger the scar. And so with grief – the more effectively each of tasks was attended to - then the better would be the - ‘recovery’.

Later researchers asked the question: But is this really what happens in grief? Can we really talk about “recovery” – as from an illness? When you ask about whether someone has truly, fully recovered from grieving, it is actually like asking: “How high is up?”  These researchers questioned the apparent goal of the earlier models to achieve a sense of completion (or “closure”) for the grieving process – a reaching of a point of letting go - or “saying good bye”.

They asked – is that really what people do? And the answer was NO – if fact, what we all do – each in our own different and special ways - is to find a healthy way of remembering our deceased loved one.

And, it turns out, a more useful measure of a grieving process having reached a healthy stage of “recovery” occurs when the loved one can be mentioned in conversation with the grieving person without that reference causing an uncomfortable “tugging at the emotions”.

This is the stage when the inclusion of references to the deceased person in everyday conversation is seen as natural and normal -and even expected - and in this way, the memory of the deceased person is kept alive.

Here is an example of how one family found a healthy and effective way to do this: 

The teenaged son in this family had the nickname ‘Bumblebee”. The name arose from a time in his infancy when he had worn a black and yellow, bumblebee-striped dressing gown suit, which his mother had obtained through a mail order.

The boy’s death happened, suddenly, when in he was in his late teens. When it came time for the family to set off from home, in their car, to go to the funeral … the boy’s father couldn’t be found. The family members found him in his son’s bedroom – fixedly watching the movements of a bumblebee, which had entered and stayed in the boy’s room. Each of them was deeply touched and bumblebee insects in general came to symbolise something of the spirit of their departed son and brother.

Further reinforcement came, when they later received an awed phone call, from the boy’s aunt. She had been in the act of writing to her grieving sister (the dead boy’s mother) when a bumblebee alighted on the windowsill opposite her. She had spoken to it in semi- seriousness way: “Now, little bumble bee, I’ve begun to have had enough of this nonsense – if you really are the spirit of my nephew – raise you left rear leg”. Which the tiny creature duly did!

The symbolism became more strongly accepted within the family after that. It even extended beyond the family – for the boy’s friends developed a practice of bringing bumblebee ornaments as gifts for his mother whenever they visited the home. No doubt these items eased the conversations on those occasions and now all the people who knew him are helped by the presence of reminders which act as natural prompts to conversations about their own departed “Bumblebee”

[As an aside: This story was shared, by the boy’s mother, at an annual Hospice remembrance service a few years ago. After the service a few of the staff members privately shared their new resolve to never squash another bumblebee!!]

And we can all of us find special ways of remembering departed loved ones.

In our own family my wife’s father, who died 12 years ago, is kept fresh in our memories through his own quaint sayings. He referred to me as his favourite son in law – quite true – for I was also his only son in law!   And at the conclusion of meals – if there didn’t happen to be a prepared dessert – he would collect the fruit bowl and offer it saying “Fresh fruit in season?” He had been a military man and when the phone rang he would cry out “Signals!” – and appropriate action followed. We continue to repeat these sayings at similar moments – and in doing so, remember Peter with smiles.

Returning to serious subjects again, it can be helpful to distinguish between grief and depression. These two states  have similarities – and a key difference.

Depression is seen, nowadays, very much as an illness – for a chemical depletion in the nerve endings in the brain has been shown to be associated with the state of depression.  These Chemical substances are needed to carry messages from one ‘living wire’ to another and when they are in short supply all the “slowed up” features of depression are present. Replacement medication is effective in restoring functioning but it takes several days for the replenishment to occur as the replacement chemicals “seep in”.

The importance of having ‘accompanying counseling’ for sufferers of depression cannot be understated – for it is essential to analyse and attend to remedying – the psychological factors leading up to the onset of the depression – in order to try to avoid recurrences. 

There are 3 key features present in persons in a state of depression.

1) Early morning waking.

2) A lowered mood in all circumstances

3) A loss of productivity and achievementThe main difference between grief and depression is the last of these 3 features. In both states we are sad and sleep is disturbed – but in grief, we can keep on working – whilst in depression, progressively, we cannot.

When grief is prolonged and dysfunctional it can become complicated by depression as the person’s reserves of resilience are depleted

So, returning to grief  – it is remarkable to observe that the research findings of the last 40 years have led to a turnaround in the goals of grief counseling from that of ‘achieving closure’ and ‘saying good bye’ - to the present one - of finding ways of maintaining a sense of connectedness with our departed loved ones.

This has brought the secular ‘scientifically derived’ approach much more into line with the wisdom that has long informed Christians: that death is not to be feared as finality – but rather able to be accepted with the assurance that it is, instead, the transition into a different state of existence – one where we enter into a closer communion with God.

We have heard the words of that assurance in our readings tonight. It is an assurance brought about through the actions of Christ, – and it acts as a source of great comfort to bereaved believers.

In my work in the Hospice Service there have been many occasions where the presence of this comforting effect has been apparent. You can sense it in the rooms where a whole family is calmed and strengthened by their shared faith - even though they are gathered round the bed of their dying loved one. The atmosphere of serenity – in the face of deep sadness - can be amazing. Certainly the dying person surrounded by such support invariably needs much less in the way of anxiety-relieving medication than would otherwise be the case. Such situations are a powerful reminder of the psalmist’s words – for although such a family is traveling into the valley of the shadow of death – yet there is an absence of fear – for the Lord is with them.

There was a wonderful expression of the comfort flowing from Christ’s assurance, made by the Reverend Peter Marshall – a Scot – who became chaplain to the United States House of Representatives in the 1950’s. In that role, he was asked to address a graduating class at a military academy. Everyone was aware that the graduates would soon be engaged in the battles in Korea. In the anteroom just before giving his address Peter Marshall stopped and explained to the commandant, who was about to introduce him, that he felt his prepared speech was not right for the occasion – and that he would, instead, speak from the heart.

He looked out over the sea of young faces and spoke directly of the situation they faced and the fear he knew they must be facing. He asked them to cast their minds back to when they were children.

“Do you remember being allowed to stay up late and falling asleep in the family lounge – maybe in your parent’s arms? And do you remember waking up, warm, comfortable and peaceful in your own bed and yet being puzzled about how you got there. Then you learnt that it was your loving parent who had carried you gently from one room to the other.” He concluded his address saying: “And I believe that is what death is like – our loving heavenly parent carrying us, with tender care, from one room to another.”

I would like to conclude with a prayer for us all. It is part of a prayer that sustains me very much in the day to day Hospice work. It is from the prayer of St Francis:

Loving Lord,

Please make us instruments of Your peace.

May we seek not so much to be understood – as to understand.

Nor to seek so much to be consoled – as to console.

Nor even to be loved – as to love all mankind.

For it is in giving that we receive.

And it is in forgiving that we are forgiven.

And in dying – that we are born to eternal life.     AMEN