|
Grief and the Christian response to loss The lectionary readings for today, placed in the context of much of the pastoral care I have been doing of late, have lead me to reflect on grief and loss and what the Christian faith may offer those who are experiencing some profound loss at this time. The Old Testament reading refers to the personal bereavement of David on the death at the hands of the Philistines, of his one time mentor King Saul and Jonathan, David’s closest friend. It also reflects the grief of the whole nation of Israel at the death of their king and their defeat in battle. The Gospel reading contains two stories where grief is present: One is the story of Jairus whose 12 year old daughter is dying and the other is the story of the woman who had been hemorrhaging for 12 years. Her condition had led to a spiritual loss since it made her ceremonially unclean; a loss of finances since she had spent all her money on doctors and a loss of identity since her illness made her a social outcast. You know we spend a good portion of our lives working to acquire those things that make our lives rich and meaningful: friends, a wife or husband, children, a home, a career, a job, material comforts, money (let’s face it) and security. What happens to us when we lose any of these highly valued persons or things which are so important to us? At very least we experience disappointment, frustration, anxiety. These feelings are collectively associated with grief. Sometimes, if the loss is great, the very foundations of our lives are shaken by the experience. Yet we all know that there are a myriad of losses we experience as we traverse this life. For instance, when we lose a job or a girl or boyfriend, or fail in school or when there is a change of boss in the office; when we move from one community to another there is a sense of loss and grief follows; when our marriages are irretrievably damaged and divorce ensues, there is grief in the hearts of those who have now lost someone who was once dear to them. Divorce can be like a living death. To see the one whom you continue to love turning their back on you is devilishly hard to bear; on retirement there will be grief as one leaves a life of the known and ventures into the anonymity of the unknown; losing one’s job through redundancy causes grief; when the children leave home there is grief; and of course when a loved one dies there is devastating grief. The death of a loved one is a terrible, traumatic experience. It is one that changes life forever, making clear why the Bible calls death “the last enemy” 1 Cor. 15:26. In the case of a loved one dying, recovery and adjustment, present enormous challenges to us. The path from death to adjustment could certainly be called, in the words of David, "the valley of the shadow of death" (Ps 23:4). Now what about Christians? What about those of us who have committed our lives to following Christ? Does being a Christ follower with the promise of eternal life, with the call to be in the world and not of the world, some how make loss easier to bear, or exempt us from the grieving process? There are some people who have the idea that a person with a strong faith does not need to grieve; that they should be above this sort of thing. Some even conclude that grieving is symptomatic of a lack of faith! Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. Scripture tells us to “Grieve, not as those who have no hope” 1 Thess 4: 13. It doesn’t say don’t grieve, it says don’t grieve as those who have no hope. In other words grieve but grieve with hope. Here’s the difference then. The believer is able to grieve with hope. Looking at today’s readings we see that David grieved for Saul and Jonathan, “I grieve for you Jonathan my brother” and Jairus grieved for his daughter. “Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him”. When we look at the rest of Scripture we see that there is a long list of Biblical characters that were grief struck by the tragedies that befell them in their lives: death, loss of inheritance, betrayal, loss of land. Jesus himself wept at the death of his good friend Lazarus. Whether you are grieving a loss at this time of your life or not, the truth of the matter is that everyone will from time to time have to confront the loss of some thing or someone they love, or need to support someone who is grief stricken. So exploring grief and the way our faith supports us through grief is obviously a good thing for us to do. In view of this, allow me to take a few moments to briefly describe the psychologist, Colin Parkes’ understanding of the grieving process. Perhaps you may recognise yourself or a friend as journeying through one of the 4 phases he describes: 1. Phase of Numbness. Upon receiving unwelcome news eg of death or loss, most people have an emotional outburst--an outcry of pain. The more sudden and unexpected the tragedy, the more extreme might be the response. Fighting the reality of this news is a natural reaction. "There must be some kind of mistake. This is a bad dream. This isn't actually happening". The initial outburst is followed by a reality, which is shrouded in a fog, a haze. Life seems surreal. Parkes refers to this as the numbness phase 2. The phase of yearning. Before very long, the second phase of grief begins. The phase of yearning. The most universal response to loss of any kind is to search for what was lost. The phase of yearning is a period of time during which we desperately try to recover the lost object and searching takes place. Feelings during this period are intense, and anger is evident. There may be a sense, a hope, or even an expectation that person will return. This is generally more of an emotionally felt expectation than an intellectually believed one. 3. The phase of Disorganization and Despair. Some time later, a third phase ensues, the phase of disorganization and despair. When yearning and searching fail to recover the person, an increasing emotional realization of the permanence of the loss sets in. Since the numbness has worn off and the search is over, reality hits full force and the force of this blow leads to a time when life is disorganized. During this phase there is little energy to do the things the person would normally do. In fact, often the only things that get done are those that have to be done in order to survive. Where was God? Why did He not prevent this? Doesn't He care? The person may say," I always believed He would protect my family and me from such things. What happened?" There may be a frightening feeling that there is no reason to go on, no reason to live. This phase is further complicated by the fact that it usually occurs long enough after the death when others may have assumed the bereaved would be "over it" by now, and are not available to offer support. This only increases the despair. 4. The phase of Reorganization. As time and mourning do their work, a fourth and final phase of the process begins. Parkes calls it the phase of reorganization. This is a slowly developing phase of beginning to turn toward the future. It is a time in which life slowly comes back into focus; in which a purpose for living is slowly reborn. As Christians we are not exempt from the ravages of grief. When Jairus came to Jesus he was filled with angst and worry. He was yearning, searching and desperate, as was the woman who was driven to desperate means by the discomfort of her condition. The point here is that they went to Jesus in their grief! This made all the difference. Because of the faith vested in their turning to him, Jesus was able to cure the woman that no physician could cure and give life to the child who had died. Both Jairus and the woman demonstrated that faith is something that continues to trust God even in the midst of the most hopeless and desperate of circumstances. And here’s the good news for us. - Faith enables every one of us to tap into the merciful power of Jesus that brings hope, healing and redemption. - Faith opens the door to the power of God. It transfers his divine power to us when we are utterly grief stricken and powerless. However it is important to note : Belief about Jesus is not what brings healing, it is faith in Jesus that is needed. Faith is what propels Jairus and the woman to take action and go to him. Now you may say that that’s all very well, Jesus healed the woman and raised the child from the dead but mostly that does not happen for us. Firstly let’s understand that Jesus performed both miracles to demonstrate to the world, the power of God that is present in him and which is to be used to minister to our needs in even the most extreme circumstances ie to edify his Church. In the story of Jairus, Jesus demonstrates that he has power over death in raising the little girl. Her resurrection is not permanent nor could it be said that the woman’s life would be from hence forward pain free, but in this miracle Jesus is showing us that he can and will loosen the grip of death over all who believe in him. Secondly although such miracles do not occur routinely, the healing that occurs when we journey through the grief process in faith with Jesus, is no less miraculous! As Christians we grieve with hope. -The hope that God is with us in our grief, -the hope that God will use whatever is happening to us for our good and the good of those around us because of the relationship we have with him; -and the hope that because of Christ’s resurrection death has been vanquished and its sting removed. Christ provides the victory over death. This allows us to approach the grave confidently, knowing that death is not a full stop but a comma. Whatever we may be experiencing at this time, we grieve in the context of this hope. Death and loss are realities which we must all face and the process of grieving is the way we deal with the emotions that are evoked by these realities. Yet our faith offers us a hope which is life giving for us and which we are called to share with others. Thanks be to him who remains with us in our grief, who rescues us from the power of the grave and who assures us that nothing in heaven nor earth can separate us from the love of God that is found in him who is our Saviour, Jesus the Christ. |
