Home

Our Church

Services of Worship

Our People

Getting Married at Holy Trinity

Youth

Sermons

Prayer Groups

Education

Parish Magazine

St. Augustine's

Anglican FAQs

Inspiration

Links

Picture this

Your blood pressure rises;

your heart rate goes up;

your muscles tighten;

your breathing rate increases

adrenaline courses through your veins

you feel strained and tense

What might you be experiencing?

You guessed it……

CONFLICT

No matter who you are you will all have experienced conflict in one form or another in your life, whether it is conflict with friends, family or work colleagues or even conflict within yourself!

I came across a lovely story which illustrates this point.

Once upon a time a man was shipwrecked on a deserted island. He was an industrious, hard-working sort of man, so by the time he was rescued, 15 years later, he had managed to transform the island into a collection of roads and buildings. The people who rescued him were amazed at his accomplishments and asked for a tour of the island. He was more than happy to oblige.

“The first building on our left,” he began, “is my house. You’ll see that I have a comfortable three-bedroom estate, complete with indoor plumbing and a sprinkler system. There is also a storage shed in the back for all my lawn tools.” The rescue party was astonished. It was better than some of their homes on the mainland.

“That building over there is the store where I do my grocery shopping. Next to it is my bank, and across the street is the gym where I exercise.”

The rescuers noticed two other buildings and asked what they were.

 “The one on the left is where I go to church.”

“And the one on the right?” they inquired.

“Oh, that’s where I used to go to church.”

Conflict is an inevitable part of life, work and relationships. There is simply no getting away from this fact.

No human relational model exists that will totally eliminate disagreements about goals or the way to reach them or about needs and priorities. Because we are all unique we each of us see things and understand life differently and operate differently with differing personalities and this from time to time will cause us to be conflicted with others.

If you have an opinion on anything, at some point you will disagree with someone and become conflicted.

Conflict is amorphous, it exists in statements, questions, responses, opinions and personalities and in the different ways each of us interprets the world.

Before we go any further, let me say at the outset, that I have found this talk a very challenging one to prepare.

I too have experienced my share of conflict in various forms, this past year in particular is a case in point, and I must say that I have, on a number of occasions been at a loss as to how to deal with it.

I don’t intend to share the details of my conflicts with you today but suffice it to say that I find conflict very stressful and I have by no means  emerged from my experiences feeling like I am in any way an authority on the subject of conflict management or resolution.

There is much shame and guilt that is associated with conflict. No one is particularly proud of the areas of conflict that permeate our lives. Like many people, conflict is a subject which I would probably rather avoid looking at. However, because I know that it is the cause of a lot of the stress and consternation in our lives as such I believe it deserves our attention.

So it is with great humility that I launch into this subject and what I have to say today is primarily based on the wisdom of the Biblical text which reflects God’s word to us on this challenging topic.

In some ways I find it quite reassuring to note that the Bible itself is full of stories about conflict.

From Genesis to Revelation there is hardly a book that does not contain stories, reflections and strategies for dealing with conflict.

In Genesis alone we find numerous examples of conflicted relationships. To name a few…

In chapter 3 we find Adam and Eve are conflicted with God and with each other over their disobedience in eating the forbidden fruit. In this cartoon we see illustrated the shame that we all feel when we find that we are in conflict with God, our neighbour or ourselves.

Moving on to chapter 4 Cain and Abel are conflicted in sibling rivalry with disastrous consequences.

When Esau son of Isaac marries Judith and Basemath the daughters of Hittites we are told that they were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebecca and so there is familial conflict.

Then when we move on into Exodus we find that Moses experienced sibling conflict with Miriam and Aaron

and in the book of Samuel David experiences marital conflict with his wife Michal, the daughter of Saul.

These are  but a few examples of personal conflict in the biblical narrative, not mentioning the political conflicts that crowd the pages of the Scriptures.

Moving on into the New Testament things are not that different either.

Jesus’ life and ministry was also peppered with conflicted situations.

-          He experienced conflict with the money changers in the temple;

-         conflict with the religious elite, the scribes and Pharisees;

-         conflict with his followers;

-         conflict with the Roman authorities;

-         conflict with his family

-         and even conflict with his best friends as we read in the Gospel story for today!

And what about the early church?

Well yes we find that there are numerous examples of people in conflict there also.

In today’s reading Paul is in conflict with his very best friend Barnabas

and we know he was conflicted with Peter also.

There are also countless references to conflicts within the early churches in Paul’s letters too.

So we see the truth and relevance to everyday life shining through the pages of Scripture. Conflict is as present in the bible as it is in our every day lives.

Now let me just say that I believe conflict has had a bit of a bad press. This word which usually carries a negative connotation, doesn’t have to have negative consequences. Not all conflict is bad. The tension that comes from conflict can be healthy and beneficial to growth if dealt with correctly.

Jean Varnier founder of L’Arche communities across the world that give disabled people the chance to discover their true worth and beauty wrote:

“Communities need tensions if they are to grow and deepen. Tensions come from conflicts….A tension or difficulty can signal the approach of a new grace of God. But it has to be looked at wisely and humanly.”

Conflict that leads to healthy debate and accommodates opposing views respectfully and without animosity is indeed very healthy and can be challenging and stimulating.

Clearly in his creation, God is using conflict and pain to produce a greater good.

So when conflict is properly managed it can also do this in the context of human relationships. Conflict between people produces energy and energy can be channelled in different directions.

For example conflict between a husband and wife can serve as a venue for open and honest discussion which can lead to greater understanding and a deeper relationship between them.

Furthermore, it is often incorrectly assumed that spiritual maturity will lead to fewer conflicts.

However the author Larry Crabb suggests,

“The difference between spiritual and non spiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it.”

How we channel the energy generated by conflict to achieve a positive outcome is the million dollar question.

Paul who as we have already indicated was a man who experienced much conflict in his life offers the church at Ephesus some good advice from which we too can benefit when he says:

“As a prisoner for the Lord then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

Ephesians 4: 1 – 3.

Thanks Paul for the advice about being humble gentle patient and loving.

This is all very well but what happens to us even on a physical level when we experience conflict does not predispose us to humility gentleness patience or love.

When faced with a stressful conflicted situation one hardly feels well placed to take Paul’s well meaning advice.

Instead our instinct is to deal with conflict in ways that more accurately reflect how we are feeling emotionally?

Because we have different temperaments we tend to deal with conflict in a variety of ways.

See if you can find your own response somewhere in this list.

-         Some of us are less confrontational than others so we employ a strategy of conflict avoidance. Perhaps we do this because we are fearful of what might happen should we engage with the issues causing the conflict and if we ignored it, it might all go away of its own accord. This strategy has patchy results and can cause the conflict to fester and escalate.

-         Some of us in the midst of conflict will talk to every other person in the room about the conflict except the person with whom we are in conflict. We do this because it is less threatening to vent our views with people who are likely to agree with us. But clearly that’s not a way to resolve the issue of conflict either and often makes the situation bigger and more traumatic than it deserves to be for everyone.

-         Some of us blow up and rush headlong into conflict like a bull in a china shop. When we do this we are demonstrating an inability to self manage our emotional responses to situations and obviously that’s not very helpful.

-         And some of us want to keep the peace at any cost so when conflict arises we cave in and just want to keep everyone happy. We want to keep the peace without doing the leg work that will make the peace we are trying to keep.

A Study done at the University of Pennsylvania has further shown that men and women respond differently in conflict situations also.

Women often react to conflict by trying to

 ‘tend or befriend’,

while men ‘fight or flee’.

In other words women tend to look to others to help them through the challenges of a conflict situation, while men usually try to handle the situation alone.

Put bluntly, the study seems to indicate that in a conflicted situation, men tend to get mad, but women contrive to get even.

By that is meant that two men will get mad, have a fight, then shake hands and be friends again.

Women on the other hand tend to suppress their anger, allowing it to smoulder while they plot their revenge.

Another fish hook in the subject of conflict is that not all conflicts can be instantly solved. Some can be sorted out there and then by frank discussion while others need the patience Paul talks about. They take time and there’s no picking how much time either.

Now here is the crux of my talk:

As Christians we are often ill prepared for conflict, because we are taught from an early age the myth that conflict has no part in the Christian culture.

We know this to be myth the minute we take a hard look at the life of Jesus. He did not go looking for conflict, nor did he perversely try to create it, but one way or another he could not escape it, whether in the desert with Satan or arguing with Peter about the call of death on the cross that God had placed on his life.

Clearly we have been called as Christ followers to love and to be loving in all our dealings with people.

So what do Christians do with conflict?

How should we respond when unpleasant conflict shows through the veneer of what we understand to be peaceful Christian living?

How do we love in conflict?

Well, here’s the bad news: There is no quick fix to avoid conflict and there is no one way to sort out every conflict situation.

Jesus himself employed a variety of strategies.

Looking at his life and ministry we notice that

-         sometimes as with Pilate he remained silent;

-         sometimes he debated as with the Pharisees;

-         sometimes he listened

-         sometimes he asked pertinent questions as with the Samaritan woman;

-         sometimes he was direct and almost ruthless as with Peter in today’s reading

-         sometimes he was bold and assertive as with the money changers.

-         But always he prayed.

-         Always he stood firmly grounded in truth and love.

-         Always he operated from a position of prayerful confidence in God’s will and commandments. 

So while there is no “one size that fits all” strategy for every conflict situation, there is the loving and prayerful attitude that Jesus adopted, which infused all his dealings with conflict.

Furthermore, Jesus does have some very specific words of advice which he offers his followers about the way to handle conflict:

1.In  Matthew 5:23-24 we read:

 “if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you; leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” and

2. In Matthew 18: 15 -17, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

Here Jesus offers us a strategy for dealing with conflict.  No matter which side has caused the problem, communication is key: Jesus tells us to go to the person one-on-one and to endeavour to talk the issue through with them.

Interestingly, in both cases, Jesus’ advice is for us to take the initiative.

When you have done something wrong, you go and try to make it right.

When someone else has wronged you, you still take the first step and try to talk about it.

There is no guarantee in either case that your overtures will be well received and that conflict resolution will ensue and this I think is wonderfully articulated in the conditional sentence that concludes Jesus’ advice:

“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” (Always remembering that Jesus frequently chose to dine with tax collectors.)

Sometimes conflicts cannot be resolved for reasons beyond your control. It is then that we need to move into a place of prayer and open acceptance and patiently wait for God to work out his good purposes in that situation.

However we will only know if that is the case after we have made a concerted effort to resolve the situation first.

So now I invite you to silently pick one area of conflict in your life. With this in mind take a few moments to prayerfully ask God to help you consider these three questions:

1.      What part have I played  in this conflict?

2.      What steps have I taken to resolve the conflict?

3.       What else might God be asking me to do in this regard?

Let us pray…