Love Language - Gifts
by Reverend Murray Spackman, Vicar.
Sunday 9 March, 2003


This morning I begin a series of sermons on the Topic “The Five Love Languages”.  What I have to say is not original. It comes mostly from the studies, and research and writings of a Dr.Gary Chapman, an educationalist, author, Marriage counsellor  and committed member of his own church.
            I read two of  Dr.Chapman’s books over the Christmas holiday, - ‘The Five Love Languages’, and ‘The  Love Languages of God’,  and what he had to say I found both enlightening and fascinating.  It also answered a lot of questions for me about relationships.- and it helped me understand more about myself as well!     In fact, I felt it was so good that I should share what I have discovered with you. So here we go! 
            Firstly, a preliminary! You know, as well  I do, that we all have a need to feel loved!   It is a primary human emotional need.  For love we will climb mountains, cross the seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships -our plight in life. Without an adequate and regular supply of affection, our life becomes dull and empty , and devoid of value or meaning.  Dr.Ross Campbell, a Child Psychologists,  described it this way:  He said that “inside every child there is an ‘emotional tank’ waiting to be filled with love.  When that emotional ‘love-tank’ is full the child really feels loved, and he will grow emotionally and develop normally, but when the love tank is empty, the child will be stunted in its growth, and most likely,misbehave.   Well,-  not just children have a love tanks, do they!  All of us  have a love-tank too!  And when that love-tank is full – we feel loved and valued, and life is exciting and  fulfilling, and relationships bring wholesness to our lives. When our ‘love-tank’ is empty – then  the bottom falls out of our lives, marriages dry up; relationship break apart; physical and mental health deteriorates;  husbands leave their wives, and wives leave their husbands.             So how is that ‘love-tank’ kept full, and topped up?   Well, Dr.Chapman says our love-tank is kept full when our spouse, especially – but also others close to us – are speaking our Love Language.
Now what are Love Languages?    Well in the world of linguistics there are major language groups-- , Chinese, English, Spanish, Greek, French , and so on.   Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native language. For most of us here, it is English.   Later, we may learn other languages, but usually with a little more effort.    The more we use these languages the more comfortable we become conversing in it.
            **((A few years ago, we used to have Japanese home-stay language students live with us.  The most difficult time was in our first meeting, and in the journey home.  It was then that we quickly discovered how much or how little they knew of English. We knew NO Japanese at all – except Konichi-wa ! We had a lot of laughs, but also a lot of frustrations as we tried to communicate across the two languages.  Sometimes we totally misunderstood each other; and at other times completely missed out on communicating what we had in mind.  The reason?  We spoke different languages and neither of us really understood the others! ))**      

            So also, in the area of love, it is similar. Just as there are different spoken languages – so there are different emotional Love Languages! – different ways in which we communicate our love for ,and with, others.   Dr.Chapman concludes that there are FIVE basic love languages. And we all speak at least ONE of them. The Five Languages are : Gifts, Words of Affirmation; Quality Time; Acts of Service; and Physical touch.  And for each one of us – at least one of those will be the primary way by which we recognise love expressed towards us.   Today, and shortly, I want to focus on “Gifts” , the giving and receiving of Gifts, as a way by which we communicate love to others, and as a way in which we recognise love from others..    But what he also discovered, most significantly,  is that your love language , and that of your spouse are seldom, if ever, the same,- in fact they may be as totally different, just  as Japanese is different  from English.

No matter how hard you may be trying to express your  love in one Love-Language, for example, if your spouse speaks a different L.Language – then you will not understand what he or she is trying to communicate, and you wont “feel” loved.   The important thing is, if you want your spouse  to feel loved – then you have to “speak”  their love language.   Now I mention “Spouse” here – because that’s mostly what the book is about - – but it also applies to the way in which we express our love for our children and our grandchildren – and even in the way in which we express our appreciation to others!     It also applies to how we understand God’s love for us – and we see clearly in scripture how God also communicates His love for us through these same Love Languages. 

            As we communicate our love in a language our spouse understands and recognises – so we are filling up his or her love-tank.   

            So today I am referring to the Love-Language of “Gifts” - because it also fits in with our Harvest Festival, and later our Commissioning of Vestry.  Each of those is about God’s “Gifts” to us, in one way or another.   We look at creation and we marvel at God’s love, shown to us through His giving of so many “Gifts”.   We look at the Church and we marvel at God’s love in giving his people so many different gifts – gifts of ministry represented in the membership of Vestry - for building up the Church,;   We experience the gift of the Holy Spirit in our lives, the gift of eternal life through Christ’s death and resurrection. All these are expressions of God’s love for us – shown through His gifts.  And if Giving Gifts is your primary love language you will find that Giving to God – in every way possible –will give you a real sense of joy and love for God. Your spiritual “love-tank” will be filled to overflowing as you give – as well as receive.

            But what about  our relationships with one another? 

We commonly express love through the giving of gifts.  When we receive a gift and hold it in our hand - we think “he or she was thinking of me’.  For those, especially, whose primary Love Language is ‘receiving gifts’- those expressions of love are what fills up the love-tank.  A gift is a symbol of thought.   It says – “ I was thinking of you.” It doesn’t matter whether it costs money or not – the cost is immaterial, mostly !  Its what it conveys that is important. A card, a letter, a small home made object, each conveys love – the thoughts of the heart and mind, and cost is mostly irrelevant.   Gifts are visual symbols of love, and for some people it is those symbols which fill up their love-tank.    A flower picked from the garden, a letter, a note, the gift of time, the gift of one’s presence – all mean incredible amounts to the person whose primary love language is receiving gifts.  Money spent on buying gifts for the spouse whose primary love language is “receiving gifts” is not money wasted –  it is money invested in a marriage which pays huge dividends.

            I remember my father arriving home every Thursday night from work-  pay day – with a gift of some kind or other for my mother.  Often they were flowers, - but sometimes they weren’t.  But it was a gift which said – I love you, I have been thinking of you; I care about you”    If receiving gifts is my primary love language – then I will be emotionally moved by, and place great value on the gifts my spouse gives me. I will see them as expressions of love.   Without gifts, as visual symbols, I may question and even doubt your love.

I sense that one of the growing love languages of our grandson Joachim is ‘receiving gifts’ – for when he bursts through our doors I often hear him call out -– ‘do you have a present for me Nanny’. At first I thought he was just being greedy or possessive – but then I began to see that for HIM – this was how he recognises our love for him. He was, in effect, asking  “DO you love me Nanny?”

When we give him a present – a gift – he is recognising that we are showing him love.

 But what if you say you are not a gift giver?  Then congratulations! If you are serious about improving your relationships – and wanting to fill-up your spouses love-tank – then you need to start learning her or his love-language.   So where do you begin?   Well start by making a list of all the gifts they received which they were really excited about over the years.  That will give you an idea of the kinds of gifts they will enjoy receiving.  And if you’re not too sure – and maybe this applies mostly to men – then enlist the help of other family members, or friends.  In the meantime, select gifts that you feel comfortable in purchasing, or making or finding,  and give them to your spouse, or your family. If you haven’t given a gift for a long time-  don’t wait for a special occasion.– start this week – one a day – and see what a difference it will make!     If receiving gifts is his/her primary love language , almost anything you give will be received as an expression of love.     Just one word of caution though -   If she/he has been critical of your gifts in the past and almost nothing you have given has been acceptable, then receiving gifts is almost certainly NOT her primary love language.- that may be one of the other four which we will explore in the next few weeks.                         For the woman with the jar of expensive ointment, the anointing of Jesus’ head and his feet was her way of expressing her love for her Lord.  For some, the receiving and giving of gifts is the most tangible and personal  means of expressing and experiencing love.  If that is your spouses gift – or that of your family members, then you cant do better for them than to show and to express your love for them in giving gifts.

QUESTIONS:

1.      Pause for a moment and think about the state of your “love-tank”. How full is it?

2.      What experiences have you had lately which have gone to filling up your love-tank.  Was any of those the receiving of a gift.  

3.      What specific gifts do you remember receiving which made you feel loved?

4.      Is monetary value an important aspect of a gift?

5.      When you think about God’s Gifts, which comes especially to your mind?

6.      How do you find yourself expressing your love for God?

7.      Who, in your family, might speak the Love Language of “Receiving Gifts”?

8.      What practical things could you do to express love to those whose primary Love Language is “Receiving Gifts”?

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