Getting Married at Holy Trinity
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Love Language -
Quality Time I have to confess that at times I am guilty! It happens from time to time, and while there may be certain extenuating circumstances – in the end - I’m still guilty! Now you are all thinking - “This sounds juicy! - What’s he been up to!” Well - what I’m guilty of, from time to time, is not giving you my undivided attention when I have been talking with you. It only happens sometimes – but it still happens. You see, sometimes I get involved in a conversation with one of you, after church, and out of the corner of my eye I see a visitor standing on their own – and I begin thinking - “Is someone going to introduce themselves to that person, is someone going to make them feel welcome here, or, -- are they going to be left on their own to just walk away and never come back without anyone taking the trouble to greet them or to get them a cup of tea or coffee, or get to know them? And I know that you know that for a moment, - as I’m thinking of that, I’m not really with you! My mind is on someone else! So I apologise for that. But can I suggest, that if you are a regular – that you wait a while until after I have met the visitors. And if it is something really important , then its always much better if you can ring me up during the week. What I am concerned about here, is that straight after the Service, I’m not often in a position, to give you Quality Time! -- and this is the topic for this THIRD sermon in the series on the Five Love Languages. The other two we have covered so far are : Receiving Gifts, and Words of Affirmation. Dr.Gary Chapman says we all experience love and express love in one of five different ways ; in what he calls the Five Love Languages. And through that particular Love Language we use, we both express love to others, and we also primarily recognise, and experience, and receive love FROM others. Dr.Chapman’s books were written, in the first instance, to help married couples better understand each other – and to grow in their relationship together, and so obviously a lot of what I have said from his book has reflected that. However – it’s not just applicable to married couples. It applies to singles, it applies to widows and widowers, it applies to parents and to grandparents, it applies to all of us here, as part of a parish family. So if I happen to mention married couples – and spouses – and you are not in that category – then I don’t want you to switch off and think this doesn’t apply! I want you just to work a little harder and think through the principles of what I’m saying and apply those to your own life and your own particular situation. So what is Quality Time! Is it just sitting together on the sofa watching the news? No – because your attention is on the T.V. set , not on each other. Its not even watching a game of Rugby together - because neither of you are actually learning or discovering anything new about the other – except perhaps how you react when Carlos Spencer makes a Try! Quality Time would be when you turn the T.V off, - look at each other,-- talk to each other, and give each other your undivided attention. Quality time is when you give your friend, your neighbour, your workmate, your children , your grandchildren – your Un-divided attention! It’s when your child wants to play you a tune they have just learnt on the flute, or the violin or the bagpipes – and you stop what you are doing, and look and listen. It’s when you put down the newspaper,or even turn OFF theT.V. and actually listen to what your spouse is wanting to say to you. Quality Time has to do with focused attention. When a father is rolling a ball to his two-year-old, his attention is not primarily focused on the ball, but on the child. For that brief moment – however long it lasts, they are together. If however, the father is talking on the phone while he is rolling the ball to his two-year-old, his attention is diluted. Some husbands and wives think they are spending Quality time together when, in reality, they are only living in close proximity. They are in the same house at the same time, but they are not together. A husband who is watching sports on TV while he talks to his wife is not giving her quality time, because she does not have his full attention. And she knows it – doesn’t she. But Quality Time doesn’t mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each others’ eyes. It DOES mean that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other. The activity in which we are both engaged is really incidental. The activity is simply the vehicle that creates the sense of togetherness. This is true of families, its true of children and parents, its true of friends, and its true of spouses. Well, here’s a short list Dr.Chapman gives as an example of things that you can do through which you can express Quality time.
But how do you know if Quality Time is your spouse’s ( or your children’s , or friends) Love Language? Well if it is – and you aren’t spending Quality Time together – then you will probably hear them complaining , in some way or other, that their emotional need is not being met – or that your relationship is going a bit dry - or that you ought to get together more often! It will probably be along the lines that they don’t ever see you, or that you don’t spend enough time together! Well there is only one answer to that - and that is to MAKE TIME to be together in an uninterrupted, focused manner, where you can connect at an emotional level. There may be some things that you enjoy doing together – and that’s fine – but make sure that the emphasis is on the two of you, or however many of you there are, as friends, - rather than what you are doing. This is true for friends and also for families. – it’s true for us here as members of a wider family. We need to spend quality time together, in order to strengthen the emotional connections we have with one another. But if that is true for us – on a human level – it is also true for us on a spiritual level. We can also develop our relationship with God as we spend Quality time with Him. Many of the mystics of the past have been people who just delighted in spending countless hours in God’s presence. And if Quality Time is our Love Language – then we will feel emotionally and spiritually satisfied as we spend time in God’s presence – just being quiet before Him. The song we had as the Gradual – “To be in your presence , to sit at your feet, where your love surrounds me, - makes me complete” was most likely written by someone for whom their primary Love Language was Quality time. There was nothing better they could think of than just BEING in god’s presence in silent worship and praise and adoration – looking into the face of God in Jesus Christ. The Quiet 8am Service , the Taize Service in particular, and the Evensong Services – are especially times when we can just BE in God’s presence without having to do a lot. In the Gospels we see Jesus exercising Quality time with his disciples: He chose the Twelve – that they might BE with him. Jesus “hung out” with his disciples for three and a half years. They shared their meals, travels, experiences and extended conversations. It is clear that Jesus gave Quality Time to the twelve whom he chose to be apostles. And then, of course, there were others who, in particular, wanted to spend Quality Time with Jesus. There were some – like James, Peter and John who were especially privileged to BE with Jesus on special occasions – such as the Mount of Transfiguration. Then there was the other and quite different occasion when Martha invited Jesus to visit her and her sister Mary. Mary chooses to sit and BE with Jesus – whereas Martha became agitated that Mary wasn’t helping her in the kitchen. Jesus did not condemn Martha for her acts of service, nor did He condemn Mary for giving Him her undivided attention. Jesus knew the hearts of both sisters. The problem was that Martha’s heart and actions were not given in love, but rather in agitation. Martha was operating from a sense of duty, rather than out of love. So which is your primary love language? If it is Quality Time then develop and nurture your close personal relationships with others by spending quality, undivided attentive time with them. You may well have to take the initiative here – because it will mean more to you than to others for whom this isn’t their primary Love Language. But your emotional love tank will be filled as a result. And develop your quiet times with God. Times of silent meditation; silent worship, reflective worship. Use whatever means available to reflect on the wonder and the presence of God’s love – and let that sustain you and strengthen you in your spiritual journey. QUESTIONS FOR
DISCUSSION: 1. Who among your friends/ family members would benefit from you spending more Quality Time with? 2. How attentive are you to others when they try to communicate with you? 3. How can you develop better quality conversation? 4. What are some “creative” ways in which you can spend Quality time with your spouse ( what does he/she suggest?) or your friends? 5. What is the way in which you find your spiritual life most refreshed? 6. What are some ways to develop better Quality Time with God? 7.
If Quality time isn’t your Love Language, how can you be more
sensitive to those for whom it is?
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