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• Deepen our relationships within our church or put a little differently deepening the community within our church family.
• Extend our relationships around our church. By that we mean reaching out in love to those around our church family.

As we saw last week God did not design us to go through life alone, he designed us to be in relationship with him and with others.

So our Christian walk depends on and is tested by our relationships:

How we relate to God and how we relate to others and we cannot separate the one from the other.

In the Gospel reading for today Jesus compares himself to a vine and his followers he describes as the branches. He then calls us to abide in his love, to root ourselves in his love and then to love one another as he loves us.

But here’s the problem it is so easy to get disconnected in relationships, even  from the most profoundly important relationships in our lives: our children; our parents; our brothers and sisters; our friends; our family; our husband or wife. And it is also just as easy to get disconnected from members of our church family.

• Perhaps you might like to take a few moments to reflect on who you might be feeling disconnected from at this time………..

How many of you are in small groups at present, either 40 days small groups or some other church small group?

Guess what, you are going to have differences of opinion with the people in your small groups.

Why?

Because God created us all different.

He could have made us all alike. He could have given us all the same opinions, the same background, the same interests, the same personalities, but he didn’t. This tells me that God loves variety!

And God calls us to love one another,

so loving each other does not mean always agreeing with each other.

Jesus tells us in John 16:” love one another”, not “agree with one another”.

Yet Paul says in verse 5:

“let the same mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus.”

In other words Paul challenges us to develop the same attitude of love for God and for others that Jesus had.

The overarching  principle for all our relationships is to sanctify them with the love of God; the love that Jesus revealed to us. “Abide in my love”

Why?

Because the Biblical point of view is that this is what will build all our relationships and an absence of this love is what will break them.

So what does the love of Jesus, the love of God look like?

Surprisingly it is not rocket science. It is tantalizingly simple and yet paradoxically it is so hard to achieve.

Today in the limited time we have available perhaps we could explore 4 aspects of the love that God offers us which builds up and strengthens our  relationships.

These four positive aspects have four negative opposites and we shall see that these negatives break down our relationships and are therefore enemies of community.

1. God’s love is other-centred.

 Jesus says that, “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

The opposite  of this is self-centredness and its blood relative, selfishness, which is the number one enemy of all relationships. It is the number one cause of conflict and disharmony in marriages, in communities and even causes  wars.

Self-centredness focuses on what I need, what I want, what I think, what I believe and how I want to see things done. We are all guilty of it and unfortunately this ‘I focus’ blinds us to what others need, what others want, what others think and what others believe and how others are wanting to see things done. And so you have conflict and disharmony.

In Proverbs 28:25 we read “The selfish person stirs up strife/trouble”.

Now if self-centredness destroys relationships, then other-centredness builds them up.

Put very simply, being ‘other-centred’ means being outwardly focused, it means focussing a little bit less on the  me and a little bit more on the you.

It means that I try to walk in your shoes , to see things from your point of view, to think about what might be best for you and what might work best for you in any given situation,and when I do this I become more open to a relationship with you.

Paul says: “Let each of you look not to your own interests, but to the interests of others.”

Now here’s the thing,  it is often the case that we find it the most difficult to be other centred with those we are closest to: our families, our marriage partners, our church community.

Yet this is where we are required to be the most loving.

Jesus said: “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Not for a stranger, not for an acquaintance, not for cause, for a friend.

Take a moment to consider:

With whom might Jesus be calling you and me to be more other centred today, whose shoes might you need to walk in for a bit to strengthen a fragile relationship? Whose point of view are we called to see?

2. The second trait of God’s love is that it is humble.

The mystery of our faith is that God who created the universe is humble enough to give you and me free will, power and independent thought and to pour out his love upon us.

 Humility is the ability to see the good in others and to be respectful of them.

 God trusts that we will choose to use the power and independence he has given us to act for good. This is immensely respectful of us.

Now the opposite of humility is pride and pride destroys relationships!

Pride shows up in our relationships in a number of guises:

It shows up as criticism. If you tend to be judgmental and critical of other people of their personalities of their efforts of their life style, then you are guilty of pride.

It shows up as stubbornness. When we find it difficult to say ‘I’m sorry’ or admit we were wrong, or to admit that our way is not the only way, we have a pride problem.

If we won’t let others give us help when we need it, then we have a pride problem.

If we are in the habit of giving people solutions to their problems then we have a pride problem.

The antidote to pride is humility.

Humility enables us to be encouraging of others, to be compassionate towards others, to be accepting of them.

 Humility builds up our relationships.

Paul says in verse 3 “Do nothing from selfish ambition or pride, but in humility regard others as better than yourselves.”

3. The third trait of God’s love is that it is grounded.

God’s love is rock-solid. Jesus had a confident sense of identity because he was grounded in his loving relationship with God.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.”

Sadly most of us are not as well grounded as Jesus was.

This makes us insecure and our insecurities create problems in our relationships because they make us fearful.

• They cause us to fear other people’s opinions of us.
• They cause us to be easily threatened by what others say to us or by what they do.
• They cause us to be too controlling in our relationships.
• They cause us to be fearful of intimacy because we don’t want people to know how insecure we really are.
• Worst of all our insecurities make us fearful of rejection.

Now maybe you have been hurt by rejection.

Somebody, a boyfriend, an ex , a teacher, a group of friends, your church family hurt you deeply by rejecting you in some way.

 If this is the case, I have two things to say to you:

• I am so sorry for that
• and you are not alone.

In fact look to your left and look to your right. The people on either side of you also have their experiences of rejection and when you look heaven ward, remember that Jesus Christ himself was rejected.

He was nailed to a cross through the testimony of his own people.

So what’s to be done?

If we indulge our insecurities we destroy our relationships.

So we must ground ourselves as Jesus did in our loving relationship with God.

Jesus says: “Abide in me and I in you”,

This means we must ground ourselves in the love of God.

Realise how much God loves you. Embrace the truth that he loves you more than you could ever imagine. Anchor yourself in that love and you will be secure in your relationships.

When we ground ourselves in God’s love we are anchored on an unshakeable rock which will enable us to be accepting of others and encouraging of them also.

In John 4:18 we read:

 “Love has no fear because perfect love (ie God’s love) casts out all fear.”

4. Finally, God’s love is forgiving.

The fourth enemy of relationships and of community is resentment.

Now let’s remind ourselves of one of the most fundamental truths in life. Everybody blows it at some time. We all make mistakes. We all sin and we all have aspects to our personalities that make it difficult for others to like us.

This means that you and I are going to hurt other people and other people are going to hurt us, intentionally and/or unintentionally.

What is most important is what we do with that hurt.

Are we going to allow it to make us better or are we going to allow it to make us bitter?

The problem with being resentful is that it prevents us from thinking clearly. Our perspective gets clouded and we start acting in destructive ways that hurt us and others.

In Psalm 73 David writes: “Since my heart was embittered and my soul was deeply wounded, I was stupid and could not understand.”

The antidote to resentment is forgiveness.

Probably the most talked about trait of God’s love.

Did you know that the only way any relationships can last on a long term basis is if the people involved, are forgiving of each other.

If God did not forgive us we could not be in a long term relationship with him.

If we do not forgive others we could not be in long term relationships with them either.

Now I’m fairly sure that there are at least some of you sitting here this morning smarting from a hurt that you experienced, in your homes, in your workplace perhaps even in this church.

You and I both know that in some cases that is far more easily said than done.

So what’s the solution?

Prayer.

 Honest to God prayer.

“God I don’t even want to forgive so and so for such and such, please help me to do so.”

“God I want to forgive so and so but I find I can’t”.

When your human ability to forgive runs out, that’s when you need divine help. That’s when we need God’s love to kick in.

Take a moment to consider: Who do you need to forgive?

Let me explain that forgiveness is not making excuses for someone who has hurt you. They hurt you and it was real.

 Forgiveness is letting go of the pain and letting go of our right to get even.

The past is the past. Don’t perpetuate your pain. Let it go. Let go of the grudge so that you can get on with your life and your relationships.

You may say the person doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

Do you? Do I?

Do you and I deserve the forgiveness we have received from others, from God?

Forgiveness is an act of grace, an act of love and you and I both know that love is what builds relationships and what builds community.

We cannot say we are loving, if we are not forgiving.

As we close let us prayerfully reflect on God’s love.

Let us reflect on the fact that it is the love that we learn and receive from God that builds relationships.

So then

With whom do we need to be more unselfish?

Of Whom do we need to be less critical and judgmental?

To whom do we need to admit we were wrong?

With whom do we need take a risk of intimacy?

Whom do we need to forgive?

Let us pray

Dear Lord Jesus. You show us true love that builds relationship. You’ve seen all our relationships the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

We need your help.

Come into our lives and our relationships today. Help us with our insecurities, our pride, our resentment, our self-centredness.

 Put your love in each of us and live through us.

 Help your church so that each one of us may stand together and reflect your love through the ways in which we relate to each other and the ways in which we relate to those around us.

Through Jesus Christ our Saviour, Amen.

Bibliography:

40 Days of Community by Rick Warren.